I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
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Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me