I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
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I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam