I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
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Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
perfect
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok