Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me hitting on a model

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

If you love someone, let them tweet.

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

lot going on here, legally speaking.

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.