Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.