I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
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You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.