I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
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Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
When you let grandma cat sit
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?