I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
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They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.