I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
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me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving