I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
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My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Please do it!
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.