I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
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Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
The Birdles
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.