I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
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Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?