I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
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If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Happy Febuary everyone!
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.