Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

“what’s it like having a sister?”

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Wait a minute