i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
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So glad we cleared that up
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬