I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
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“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.