I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
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Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
same vibe as tangled headphones
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck