I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
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[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
thats my bad
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life