I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
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On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
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Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.