Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

PLOT TWIST:

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

Yup….perfect score!

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?