Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

you’re damn right i have

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

#TopTip

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila