i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
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Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
three things we don’t talk about
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage