Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

Sunday