I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
You Might Also Like
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”