I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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old twitter is back baby
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
me and the Superbowl rn
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.