Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wish we could shoplift online

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

I have many caverns

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.