@_sweet_ham

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

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@UncleDuke1969

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

@TheBoydP

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

@mattvbrady

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

@SayGerv

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

@KeetPotato

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

@causticbob

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

@Jjkinky49Jeff

People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.

@Reverend_Scott

Rum: “Drink me.”

Me: “No, I’ll get a hangover.”

Rum: “Nah, you’ll get funnier and better looking!”

Me: “Really?” *drinks*

Rum: “Sucker.”

@Kids_kubed

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

@NourHadidi

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.