I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Ain’t no way
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Oh no
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it