Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you’re high, you won’t buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
“Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed”, reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.
“Is your refrigerator running?”
“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”
My sister has promised to sing at my funeral. I hope she goes before I do.