I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
How dramatic are you?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[eats all your cotton candy]
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
