Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

W

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”