Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

adam and eve had first world problems

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights