I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
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Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?