I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
You Might Also Like
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.