I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
You Might Also Like
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
smh
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”