i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
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(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”