Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?

Me: Mariah Carey.

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.

Me: It’s 6 am.

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

i was dropped as an adult

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me