i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
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“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?