I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
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looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
is it earth
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now