I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
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Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.