I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
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That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
You know…for fall…
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.