Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.