Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault