Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

RT if you know someone like this!!!

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body