I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
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1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me