I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

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Boss: you’re late

Me: traffic

Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again

Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you


Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”


ME: i thought i saw a new color today
WIFE: wait- is this..are you..
M: but it-
W: oh no
M: was just-
W: dont
M: a pigment of my imagination


I hate “two-faced” people.

It’s so hard to decide which face to slap first.


If he doesn’t return your texts, it’s because he’s busy leaving his wife for you.



You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog


Forget plastic surgery. Enhance your beauty by getting those around you drunk


I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.