Boss: you’re late
Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again
Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
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A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”
Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
ME: i thought i saw a new color today
WIFE: wait- is this..are you..
M: but it-
W: oh no
M: was just-
M: a pigment of my imagination
I hate “two-faced” people.
It’s so hard to decide which face to slap first.
If he doesn’t return your texts, it’s because he’s busy leaving his wife for you.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog
Forget plastic surgery. Enhance your beauty by getting those around you drunk
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.