@Kyle_Lippert

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

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@DaddyJew

Boss: you’re late

Me: traffic

Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again

Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you

@jesseddy

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

@hippieswordfish

ME: i thought i saw a new color today
WIFE: wait- is this..are you..
M: but it-
W: oh no
M: was just-
W: dont
M: a pigment of my imagination

@imhhk

I hate “two-faced” people.

It’s so hard to decide which face to slap first.

@Vodkantots

If he doesn’t return your texts, it’s because he’s busy leaving his wife for you.

Obviously.

@mjm866

You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog

@godthewoman

Forget plastic surgery. Enhance your beauty by getting those around you drunk

@iAmDelFreaky

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.