I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
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DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now