I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
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Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
What my back needs
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking