I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
You Might Also Like
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
is there nothing we can trust anymore
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Love is always patient and kind.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.