Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

sir, my pâté if you please

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

Oh my god

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

SPLOOT

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.