I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
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British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
For the baby who has everything
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
