I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
You Might Also Like
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
They’re really bad with fonts.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Pretty certain I can more drunk
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Who says great literature is dead?
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.