I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
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ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I wish I could veto my bills.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
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Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?