Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
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The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !