Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

ㅤ

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

[during sex]

HER: can you turn off the light

ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

It’s Monday, but at what cost?