I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
You Might Also Like
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.