Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

Lmbo

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

Shark week, but for squirrels.

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.