Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

see you in hell you stupid fruit

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.