Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

lol

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out