I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
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Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.