I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
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If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS