Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”