I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
You Might Also Like
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.