I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
