Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

[eats all your cotton candy]

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

much to think about

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.