Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda