i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
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Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
thats my bad
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry