i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
You Might Also Like
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
mariah carrie
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.