i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
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My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
i guess his teacher was really pissed
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.