i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
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[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread