I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
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How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
The devil.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip