Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

Love is in the air fryer.

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

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I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

This might be me.
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Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

❤️🦆

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!