Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

:/

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt