Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

Your husband’s super cute, is he single?

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this