Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

🤣🤣

Feels like the fourth month in January

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

TRAIN’S HERE

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.