Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

three things we don’t talk about

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1200097164262854656/pu/vid/1280x720/oxxlnTeeX8c0ckE3.mp4?tag=10

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.