I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
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I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
Taking phone security to the next level.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Can. I. Help. You.
