I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
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You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.