I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
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Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
More like Kate Missington.
They did not miss in the small print
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
This pepper has seen some shit
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship