I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
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Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.