I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
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It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Bill is short for Billiam
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
no exceptions
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
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My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you