I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
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A Parenting Story
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
That earthquake could have been an email.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”