Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

Me, flirting😏

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise