Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

Try and stop me.

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”