I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
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my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women